Confession: I have a leggings habit. It’s pretty severe. I KonMaried out a whole pile back in January, and then have slowly been rebuilding my collection, because that’s just how life works. Between my job and being a fitness (and comfort) enthusiast, I pretty much live in them, and so I have opinions! What makes a good legging? Is it worth dropping a bunch of cash? Can I get away with cheapos? In the name of science, I took it upon myself to test a few popular options and gave them all a good test drive. I tried to pit them against each other in ways that made sense to me, but I’ll also rank them overall at the end of this post. My criteria is pretty simple: Are they squat-proof? Do I have to worry about my underwear? How aware of them am I? Ready? Let’s go!

ROUND 1: GAPFIT($69.95) vs LULULEMON HIGH RISE WONDERUNDER ($98)

Ok ok- right off the bat, I have to admit that these are really only similar to each other in that they are black with white stripes. What happened was: I was in Lululemon poking around, and the design caught my eye. I was just waiting for my husband to buy some pants, so I wasn’t really shopping for myself and passed them on by. Then a few days later, I was thinking about them. So I went back and paid a stupid amount of money for leggings, only to then have an Instagram ad start showing up in my feed for the Gap ones, which are, visually at least, pretty much the same, but way cheaper. Gap was having a big sale so I snapped them up for like $30, because why not? Maybe they’d be my new favorites? And comparing things is fun!

Straight away, I wore the Lulus to a yoga class, since that’s the whole point of these pants. Immediately, I regretted them! The waist band, as described perfectly by my friend Ann, is FLOPPY. There is no structure to it, so if you’re just standing around, it’s fine, but once you start moving, it rolls down. Especially with bending, which is like 75% of yoga. I have since worn them to work and for my normal workouts (strength training mostly), and they’re fine overall, but I do find myself having to adjust them frequently. I don’t really get the hype or why they are worth almost $100.

The Gap ones are…. fine? I guess? They look cute enough on, but at the same time they’re not mind-blowingly great. They aren’t see-through and the fabric is nice- smooth, but sturdy. I don’t love that there is an interior drawstring, but it’s necessary because these start to get baggy in the crotch after moving around in them for a while, which is annoying. I am very aware of these pants while I wear them. Also the print (are stripes a print?) is a little less refined than the Lulus.

WINNER: LULULEMON, officially because of the non-drawstring, but probably just because I’m trying to justify the price. Also my husband complimented my butt.

ROUND 2: AERIE PLAY HIGH WAISTED POCKET LEGGING ($39.95) vs
FLEO EL TORO ($73.95)

Again, these leggings are pretty much only similar in color. So not really dupes for each other, but…. I like this color??

I’m sure many of you are thinking “what the hell is a FLEO??”, and that’s fair! Fleo is a small, female-founded company that really specializes in making workout clothing (mostly shortie shorts) for women in strength sports. They design and manufacture in the US, and they tend to do short runs of items, which is kind of fun in a “gotta catch ‘em all” way, but also kind of annoying because they are often sold out of things. That being said, I now own 3 pairs of Fleo leggings. I looooove them. The fabric is unique- it’s almost soft, like a jersey, but sturdy and stretchy like a more robust legging, with a gentle compression. They move and breathe and I don’t even think about them, and I reach for them almost immediately after doing my laundry. Whenever I wear these leggings, they make me feel like an athlete! I super feel myself in these. The high waist does tend to scrunch down a bit while working out, but it doesn’t roll- does that make sense? My only complaint is that I have to choose my underwear purposefully, because while the fabric is beautiful and opaque, you can clearly see lines.

Aerie has some good stuff- I am a huge devotee of these bras! They can keep these leggings though. Ok- they’re not horrible. They’re actually pretty cute, and they have pockets! The fabric is pretty lazy though- no compression going on here. I’ll wear them when I don’t want to really exert myself, like if I just need to run to the grocery store on a lazy Sunday, or maybe an easy walk on a cool day, but don’t even think about getting sweaty in them- I did a few goblet squats and it was like I was wearing plastic bags on my legs!! So not breathable!!! Very gross.

WINNER: FLEO by miles and miles. They are heaven and I like giving them my money.

BATTLE OF THE CHEAPIES: OLD NAVY HIGH RISE COMPRESSION ($26.99) vs CRZ YOGA HIGH RISE YOGA PANTS ($24)

Once upon a time, Nike released a new line of perfect black leggings called Legends, and they were the best! But sadly, as so many fashion stories go, they changed the formula and, over the seasons, the quality declined and the cut changed. Boooo!! These Old Navy leggings though?? Pretty ace dupes! These are actually great workout leggings- they are on the thicker side, and they do have a bit more compression than the others on the list, but it makes you feel secure and non-jiggly, not sausage-y. The rise is high, they are opaque, and they stay put!! They are super reliable during a workout, and I have even worn these comfortably on airplanes and around theme parks. $26 is already plenty cheap, but they are on sale ALL THE TIME. Get some! I have several flavors, but the black ones rotate in pretty regularly.

I got tipped off to these Amazon leggings (CRZ Yoga) as “the Amazon dupe for Lululemons”. Now, I wouldn’t go quite that far, but they are pretty good! The fabric is nice (not as smooth as lulus but not bad either), they have a similar rise and ample inside pocket, I feel like they are pretty opaque, and they fit nice and secure. I find myself reaching for these pretty often- maybe because they’re navy and that seems interesting? They do shimmy/roll down a bit during workouts (especially if there is jumping around/twisting), but I like them ok. I’m not gearing up to buy another pair right away, but they seem like a good option if you want something basic and easy.

WINNER: OLD NAVY. Obviously.

AND NOW I WILL RANK THEM ALL!!! (favorite to least favorite):

1. Fleo
2. Old Navy
3. Lululemon
4. CRZ Yoga
5. Gap
6. Literally any other kind of pants
7. Aeire

Now, word on the street is that Athleta should also be a contender on this list, so if they have a baller sale soon, I’ll check them out and report back. Because I bought all of these with my own money, preferably on sale.

What are your favorite workout leggings? Are there any I’m totally missing out on? (I also have a few pairs of Teekis and Onzies that I like, but I really only like those in the summer since they’re meant for hot yoga/being in the water) Let me know in the comments!

xo, Jess.

Like Target, Walgreens has become my new top stop to randomly purchase things I don’t need–and by things–I mean makeup. A recent Walgreens pop- in (for nails, obvs) lead to a Wet N Wild haul.

In my defense–there was a 3/$10 deal and some other markdowns–AND they had a bunch of new products to try.

My love for the MegaCushion Foundation is well documented–it is now my every day foundation. As the color drains on the daily from my face (thanks, winter) I thought I’d try a lighter shade from my normal Creamy Ivory to Light Ivory. And since it was $3 off, why not?

I also love stick foundations, so I decided I’d give the Foundation Stick in Porcelain a whirl.

Part of Wet N Wild’s new products are face primers and sprays. I tend to like products that feature coconut water, so I grabbed two sprays: one coconut water based and one for a natural finish, and a coconut primer.

We are big fans of Wet N Wild’s lip products, so naturally I needed to try the new MegaLast Liquid Catsuit High-Shine Lipstick (as opposed to the MegaLast Liquid Catsuit Lipstick which Jess turned us on to) in Cedar Later.

And they’ve expanded the Liquid Catsuit line with eye shadows, so I got two muted tones to use as primers in Camel Back and Sand Castles. I was nervous about the more metallic ones and didn’t try any of those.

In the end, I got two sprays, a primer, two eye shadows, a lip stick, a foundation stick and a cushion foundation for $24–not too bad!

I did a look on Instagram with drugstore makeup with some of the new products, especially the lipstick and decided since I was so close to having a full face of Wet n Wild makeup, I should do one more Walgreens run to do a full face review.

I had the Ultimate Brow Retractable Pencil off Jess’ recommendation, a highlighter (a gift from Jess back in the day) and a few eyeshadow palettes. I only needed lip and eye liners, bronzer, blush and mascara (which in retrospect was actually more things than i anticipated to buy.)

So back to Walgreens. Sadly, the sale was over, but these are still very reasonably priced products and I had points to use! Yay, Beauty Enthusiast program!

Armed with all the products, I’ve done a few days of looks to give them a try and let you know my thoughts. Here are just some of the ones I used:

Great:

The MegaCushion is so great! The Creamy Ivory is too light so Creamy Beige is still my best match. But it’s okay–I just use the new one as a concealer! LOVE.

Liquid Catsuit lipsticks are fab. If you hate the drying effects of a liquid lipstick–which is totally fair especially in winter–grab the High Shine options instead. (white top vs. black top)

Perfect Pout Gel Liners are a steal at $3! Seriously, these are so pigmented and creamy without slipping. I’ll definitely be laying this down with my favorite Marc Jacobs glosses over it. I got Bare to Comment which is a really universal nude shade.

Retractable Brow Pencil is one of the greatest finds around. Thanks, Jess!

MegaGlo Highlighter is really the only powder highlighter I use. Again–JESS WINS! (i didn’t actually wear it in my look though–see below.)

Good:

Color Icon Eyeshadow Quads gets the job done. They change their colors very frequently so the one I used isn’t available anymore, but there are lots of great ones out there. These are also very nice to pack when traveling.

Liquid Catsuit eyeshadows are surprisingly good! The colors I got function exactly how I wanted–as primers. They stay on, don’t create and work as a nice base. And you could totally wear them without putting shadow on top. I could’ve put these in the “Great” category, but I haven’t tried the more adventurous ones to verify that for sure.

Stick Foundation was magic one day and just okay another. I don’t love a fuller coverage foundation, which this one definitely is, so I liked it better the day I wore a heavier moisturizer under it to give it a little more dewiness. With just a basic primer, it was a little patchier, but that’s more because my skin is wicked dry right now than the product. I still really liked it and will use it on days where I am looking for more coverage. And the color is a better match than even the MegaCushion right now.

Color Icon Blush in Apri-Cot in the Middle is a very nice peach blush. If you need a peach blush at a very cheap price point–this is a good one. It’s not my favorite and I doubt I’ll reach for it much, but it works.

Coconut 3-in-1 Primer Water is fine. I put it in the “Good” pile because of its price and it did seem to set my makeup and save it from looking too cakey which was an issue at one point. But I do like the Milani ones better for drugstore and I’m currently obsessed with Morphe’s setting spray available at Ulta. Both are double the price of this one. For the money–it works.

No:

Color Icon Bronzer in Palm Beach Ready is one of the new products and it’s a pass for me. Here’s the thing–I just really, really love my Butter Bronzer. I felt like my look was good until I put this on and then it looked like too much makeup. The shimmer doesn’t help–so I didn’t wear a highlighter–but I don’t think it would matter if it had it or not. I’m just faithful to the Physicians Formula. (it also dawned on me that i DID have a wet n wild bronzer–one of the megacushion contours–and i threw it out because i didn’t like it either. and i think i liked that one more than this one.)

Retractable Eyeliner in Dark Brown is a disappointment. It’s very dry and tugged on my eyelids to get it on. There are much better drugstore eyeliners you can get–like any of them–so pass on this one.

MegaLength Mascara is also a pass. It said it was reformulated but I wasn’t into it. My hope is it would be a cruelty-free alternative to the CoverGirl LashBlast which I haven’t replaced yet (although spoiler alert: looks like I won’t have to…) and it wasn’t. Essence has such good mascaras–go with theirs for a cheap but great drugstore mascara.

PhotoFocus™ Water Drop Primer in Coconut Dreamin’ is a NO! I actually had to quickly remove it–it was burning my skin. So no no no no no.

Overall–I think the Wet N Wild line is like any other line with some standout offerings, some really good options and ones that are not worth your attention. The benefit is the price. These products are cheap which makes the highs even higher and the lows not so bad.

Did I miss anything? Do you have Wet N Wild favorites I should try? Have you tried the MegaCushion yet? Let me know all your Wet N Wild comments below.

And thankfully, this line is both cheap and often on sale, so I could afford to do a full face using my own money.

Hello friends!!

Every year Lyn throws this epic Oscar party, where we compete by choosing the winners and then seeing who gets the most right. It’s super fun, but I always suck at this for two reasons: I usually haven’t seen enough of the films to make an informed decision, and I tend to vote with my heart and not the odds. I really love movies, though, it’s just that while my head thinks I would really enjoy a lot of critically acclaimed films, the truth is that when it comes down to spending time or money on a viewing, I tend to pick something that falls more in the “fun” category. If that makes me low-brow, I’m totes ok with it. So while I am unqualified to accurately predict what the Academy will choose, I am super qualified to tell you which films of last year fit into MY award categories. Ready? Here we go!

FAVORITE OF THE YEAR: Spiderman: Into the Spider-verse

I have loved superheroes my whole life. When I was a kid, instead of having imaginary friends, I was hanging out with the Justice League.

Obviously Wonder Woman and Batgirl were my favorites, but Spiderman and I were always cool, too, since he was a regular kid, not an alien or a billionaire or whatever. Despite this love, I am suffering from serious “superhero fatigue”. I haven’t kept up with the Spiderman movies, but I did hop back in for the MCU Tom Holland one, which was pretty great. So then this animated feature pops up out of nowhere, and we were like…. what? Why?? What is this?? Well, stop asking questions and just go see this movie- it is PERFECT. Great casting, the animation is outstanding, the soundtrack is spot on, the story feels fresh (and turns the whole boring “origin story” trope on it’s head a bit) and, to be corny, I love the message that “anyone can wear the mask”. This movie was a delight through and through- I can’t wait to see it again.

(Superhero honorable mentions: Black Panther for Best Villain, and Avengers: Infinity War for Best Took 18 Years To Get Here Payoff)

BEST DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO: A Simple Favor

You all have that one friend, right, who tells you that something is good and you don’t even ask questions because you know she’s right? Yeah, so when Sarah told me to go see this movie immediately, I thought “wait, the one with Blake Lively??” but Sarah has never wronged me, so we just went, mostly not knowing anything about it. And guess what- she continues her streak! This movie was absolutely nothing we expected (right down to the Paul Feig director credit), and was a super fun ride.

BEST RIDICULOUS FRANCHISE FILM THAT KIND OF REDEEMED THE SERIES DESPITE BEING TOTALLY BONKERS: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Fact: Jurassic Park is a perfect film. Fact: Jurassic World was a shitshow. Maybe, someday, I’ll tell you all about why I feel this way, but for now, just know that I love seeing dinosaurs on the big screen so, no matter what, I am going to show up for any Jurassic Park adjacent anything, because DINOSAURS. And I like popcorn.

It seems like someone, somehow, realizing how stiff and bad the first of the reboots was, slapped the writing team and said “look!! We are making a movie about DINOSAURS starring CHRIS PRATT. LOOSEN!! UP!!”. All of the returning characters seemed to have had major life makeovers, or at least watched some uplifting Ted Talks, because they weren’t the same stuffy, trope-y bores they were in 2015. Even the dinosaurs got more jokes!! There were good side characters with actual motives!! I even cried!! It was over the top and full of plot holes (why doesn’t the elevator have buttons to the lower level of the secret underground lab even though there are clearly elevator doors down there?!!? Who is this secret partner all of a sudden??), but it was totally a fun time.

BEST MOVIE-GOING EXPERIENCE: A Quiet Place

Ok ok- so, I don’t know if A Quiet Place will hold up over time, or if I even liked it all that much, but I will say that it was the most fun I’ve had watching a movie in a packed theater. For one, nobody really knew what this movie was actually about, so we were all gripped by the story unfolding. For two, there is almost no dialogue in this movie. There is almost no sound in this movie. So very quickly, everyone in the audience had the realization that their snacks were super crunchy, candy wrappers were crinkly, and basically any sniffle or cough would sound 1000 times louder than it was. HILARIOUS. And it added to the tension, so it made the movie way more enjoyable- I’m not sure you’d get that same feeling watching it at home.

BEST UGLY-CRYING IN PUBLIC: A Star Is Born

I knew, going in, that there would be tears shed in this movie. And yeah, there were a few here and there. I did not realize that I would be full on sobbing, snot coming out of my face, for a full 15 minutes at the end though. LORD!!! It’s worth noting that when I got my concessions, the napkin dispenser was almost empty, so I only had one buttery/salty napkin and my hoodie sleeves to save me.

BEST MOVIE MY 19 YEAR OLD SELF WOULD HAVE LOST HER MIND OVER BUT AS A 42 YEAR OLD I WAS LIKE……… WHUT. : Mandy

This movie is currently 91% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. It was technically only in theaters for one day, then went straight to video, but it kept popping up in my various feeds, so my interest was piqued. I love a good campy horror movie, and reviewers were praising Nicholas Cages’s performance. We watched the trailer and it seemed like fun, so we rented it, and…. it took us two days to watch it.

Ok ok- I have to admit, it did some interesting things. For one, we were able to easily split it into two viewings because the movie has a very distinct break in the middle, almost as if you have to flip the album (or laserdisc!) over. The first half set up relationships and the big tragedy, the second was a cocaine and demon juice (??) fueled revenge fantasy. The cinematography and use of lighting and color was very beautiful and interesting. It had 80’s flavor, cults, and demons. Nicholas Cage really did deliver quite the performance! The only problem was…. watching it was painful. Slow. WTF-y. Two hours we wished we had back.

BEST SNOOZAROO: Oceans 8

WHY. Why is this a movie?? Here is the plot: Oh hey! Let’s get a bunch of beautiful famous ladies to be in a heist movie where everything pretty much goes according to plan and they get away with it! Because LADIES!! This movie was so boring that, months later, my husband was absolutely convinced that we had never seen it. We had. Oh, we had. If you want a good heist movie, check out Ant-Man and The Wasp, which was tons of fun and features a giant Paul Rudd.

*********

What movies did you love this year? Which ones made you fall asleep? Which Oscar contenders are you waiting to stream? (I’m looking forward to finally catching Can You Ever Forgive Me but TBH I’ll probably skip Roma and Vice)

xo

I’ve been planning to write this resolutions post since the beginning of the year. Today is February 15^th. But the delay on this post kinda serves as the perfect set up to talk about resolutions and why they seem fated to fail.

Allow me to illustrate it with my original intention for this post: “The Tale of Two Yoga Challenges.”

My relationship with yoga is complicated at best. I hate doing things I’m not good at—and I’m not good at yoga. Yet yoga at its core touches on things I need to work on in my life. There are the physical issues like strength, flexibility, alignment and the mental aspects like shutting down negative noise in my head, learning patience, and celebrating small successes. And of course—the big ones like saying “no”, time management and being realistic about how long life things actually take.

But even with a rocky run at yoga, I’ve been consistently doing it inconsistently for a long time. Over ten years, at least. And for someone who isn’t particularly loyal to any exercise, that’s a long time.

Due to a confluence of weird health and personal issues, when The Studio announced a 30-day yoga challenge in October 2014, it felt like the perfect opportunity to align (see what I did there) all the random challenges into one organized “challenge.” 30 classes in 31 days. I was in.

Spoiler alert: I finished. It was a completely bonkers experience that at some points required me to do three classes a day—which was totally unsafe and definitely not recommended—and it didn’t accomplish what I had hoped. But I learned three key lessons that made it worthwhile.

1. No one cares. You know what people don’t care about—your yoga challenge (insert all other workouts, diets, personal journeys.) Unless it impacts them directly, it’s not a thing anyone is thinking about but you. I’d say “I can’t—I have yoga” and supportive friend who loves me and wants me to do and be great says “Oh that’s right. I forgot you’re doing that.” Not because they aren’t supportive—your thing and whether you succeed or not—literally has no impact on their relationship with you. Your friends are your friends. With or without a completed punch card.
2. Everyone needs help. One of the yoga things I learned doing the challenge was how important it is to use props. A bunch of instructors did the challenge, so I’d see them in class. They all used them. It was visual confirmation that even people I admire need assistance. Maybe knowing enough to use the tools available is the exact thing that helps make them successful.
3. Everyone has issues. There’s nothing like a yoga class to make me feel super self-conscious. Certainly, everyone’s looking at me and judging. But it turns out no one cares (see number one) and everyone has their own issues. They legit have no time for you. The biggest takeaway from the challenge came in the locker room. It was after class and I followed a woman–who seemed to take every single class because I was coming at all kinds of random times and she was always there, too—into the locker room. I don’t have nudity issues. It’s not that I’m volunteering to walk around naked in public on the daily but changing in a locker room in front of people isn’t something I lose sleep over. Even with a healthy dose of body image issues like everyone else, I just change and go. But this woman—who could be on the cover of Yoga Journal—promptly went into a privacy stall. I had seen this woman do things in class that I could only dream of attempting and even with a lifestyle calibrated with the optimum balance of exercise and nutrition, I’m certain my body could never look like hers. And she went into the privacy stall. We were the only two people there. Everyone has issues. Whether we understand them or not—they’re there. No one is adding extra time to their day thinking about yours.

So overall, the challenge was a success. It made me feel like—yeah, I can do that. The next year I hiked in the Himalayas and reflected on how since I did the challenge, I could do this.  And so can you.

But should we? And what do we give up in succeeding? In that one month, I know I turned down time to hang with friends, something that’s important to me. I hear from my mom friends that taking an hour to do [insert “good for you” thing] is an hour not spent with family. And life already takes time away.

Yet even with the already precarious balancing act we find ourselves in, there’s something so alluring about adding more challenges and expectations. Setting resolutions.

In December 2018, I signed up for another yoga challenge. This time, it was a 21-day deal. I didn’t even read it before I registered. Had I read it—and looked at a calendar—I’d have known I had no shot.

Instead, I was determined to get it done. I had done it before, of course I could do it again. I posted about it—which is funny because again NO ONE CARES—and not one person ever brought it up.

Spoiler alert: I did not finish. On a pivotal day that I thought I needed to get to a class to have a chance, I was sick. And I was sick because I was rundown. How do I know? Because after one day of sleep and rest, I felt way better. That doesn’t happen if you have a proper cold or flu. But instead of just honoring my body—a very yoga concept—I created a storm of anxiety about how not going to class that day was going to force me to fail at this totally irrelevant thing I was doing. I laid on the couch and created a comprehensive list of all the things I’m failing at and how 2019 had to be the year I do better.

Because I failed at a yoga challenge.

I didn’t think about how doing the yoga challenge got me back on my mat more times that month than I would ever regularly do. Or how good I felt because of the classes I did make. Or that results, even small ones, came quickly. Or that I was finding a decent balance to get to class while still wrapping up end-of-the-year work responsibilities, time with friends and dealing with family things.

There’s something sadly gratifying about creating situations you are deemed to fail at. It’s a clever way to prove those negative voices in your head have been right all along. Because if no one cares, and everyone needs help and everyone has issues, the only one who is putting this pressure on you—is you.

The reason sticking to resolutions or making changes is hard is because life is hard. We don’t give ourselves credit for all the things we manage to successfully cram into our 24/7/365. Instead, we focus on all that is missing. All the ways we are failing. All the expectations we aren’t meeting. Set by no one.

So my resolution for 2019 is to celebrate the small successes. To be patient with myself. To turn the negative noise down, even if it’s just a little bit quieter. And to be happy I get to class whenever life allows me to be there.  Because life is hard enough. I don’t need to make it harder.

We are half-way through January. Are you feeling yourself and your New Year’s resolve? Being visited by the ghost of failed resolutions: past, present and future? Or was this the year you bagged calendar driven proclamations completely?

In the past, I did a major cleanse starting Jan. 1 (or 2.) It was intense: vegan, gluten-free, no alcohol, no caffeine and no sugar. It was a lot. But I usually did it with a group of people including Jess and Pamela. There was something kinda fun about being on a journey–although a super frustrating, long and cranky one at that–with friends and sharing stories about things that were working or what we were learning about ourselves in the process. In fact–the idea for this blog was born out of that experience.

So it was successful. And I’m glad I did it. But I don’t do it anymore.

Over the holidays, I had breakfast with my cousin–the one I told you about–and we talked about resolutions and dreams and personal challenges that block us from accomplishing our goals. It was nice. I always find comfort in knowing I’m not alone, especially in ways that feel so personal. It’s freeing to know all the barriers I create for myself aren’t exclusively mine. It’s easier to see them in others, which make them seem less permanent structures in my own life.

So I want to dedicate a few posts to resolutions and what they say about us and how we can learn from them in ways that we maybe weren’t expecting. While I’m not doing the cleanse this year, 2018 ended with an experience that really impacted how I have prepared for 2019, including setting resolutions. More on that to come…

For today, I’m going to start this little series by going back to my cousin. Based on our conversation, she wrote this post and has since started her own blog. I’m proud of her and happy to know someone who has already said “yes” to 2019. She identified barriers and worked around them. Something I hope to do more of this year, too.

Fear Or F.E.A.R.

A 2019 Resolution

Occasionally I find myself thinking about if I was an animal (and yes , I realize people technically ARE animals but I mean animals as in “not human” animals) and what kind of animal I would be. Is there an animal that I relate to? Do I relate to more than one? I believe I do relate to more than one…maybe I relate to different things about different animals. Like some days I really understand what it means to be a sloth or a even an ordinary house cat hissing at something I don’t like. But as I’m getting older I find myself thinking about things on a different (maybe even bizarre) level. I think if I had to choose an animal that I tend to see myself as it would have to be a deer. And not just a regular deer….a deer in headlights that is second- guessing it’s own movements.

As I have been getting further into the decades of my life, I find myself contemplating my entire existence. I have not always been pleased with my choices and looking back, I see the common denominator of what was and has been holding me back in many areas. Or what has been the cause of my getting into situations that I don’t much care for. That one thing is fear. That’s how I feel that I relate to deer. They are born into a world that basically is out to get them….to eat them actually. Other animals and humans too. Deer need to be suspicious, cautious and well, basically scared in order to keep themselves safe. When I see deer, I watch how they are always on alert and quick to startle and run away. They need to do that for survival. That’s sort of how I feel that I have been living my own life. I did certain things and didn’t do other things out of fear.

As an overly sensitive child (and now, overly sensitive adult) I didn’t do certain things that I wanted to do because I was afraid of what might happen. I was always afraid of what someone might think, that it would be the wrong thing to do, that I wouldn’t be good at what I tried or just thinking I didn’t deserve to have what I really wanted. Most of the time I did things to just please everyone else. I felt it was expected of me so that’s what I did.

Deer also do have some “en-deer-ing” qualities (see what I did there?). Deer are quick on their feet and graceful. Sometimes I’m graceful. Other times I trip over air. Does also tend to be good mothers to their fawns. Instinct helps in regards to parenting, as does the fear. I was afraid of what might happen so I was sure to be highly cautious and on guard when it came to my kids. Hopefully, that is at least one good thing that came from my fear driven life. Fear can be a helpful thing and we can’t go through life totally fearless about everything. If we did, well, not many of us would even make it to adulthood. Fear does have it’s place. Until it’s crippling. I do believe that that’s where the second guessing comes in to play. I have always been a huge second guesser. On my drive home tonight, I came upon two deer and they did their normal panic and were unsure which way to go. One went one direction and the other went opposite. This time their decisions kept them alive. Other times they second guess and back track and a lot of times they wind up as road kill. I was thinking about the two deer and how they split and went two different directions. Fear sent the one deer back the way that it came. The other moved forward. I thought about that and about how many times I was afraid to move forward in my life. Or if I eventually did, it took me a long time. A lot of overanalyzing on my part. I, too, was afraid of becoming road kill.

It also made me realize that I am entirely sick of living this way. I was talking with my good friend (and cousin) recently and we discussed the second guessing that I have always been plagued with. She said she never second guesses herself because everyone else does it for her. I found that absolutely fascinating and a great way to look at it. One of the things that held me back was worrying about what other people think. How oddly liberating it is to think that if everyone else is judging my decisions and second guessing me….then I don’t have to. They’re doing it for me which frees me up to live and do what I want.

I recently read that fear has two meanings. One is to think like the deer – Forget Everything And Run. I’ve done that for far too long. I like the second meaning better – Face Everything And Rise. So one of my goals for the coming year and hopefully for the rest of my life is to follow the second definition of fear. I’m tired of hiding and playing it safe. As hard as it is for me to put myself out there and maybe even draw attention to myself, I’m going to do it. I have to.

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